PokéMetal – Gotta bang ’em all!

Have you ever wondered what each metal sub-genre would look like if it were physically manifested as a Japanese animé pet-cum-gladiator? Of course you have! Pokémon may be one of the most popular franchises Earth has ever seen, so here at TMO, Alex and Larry thought it would be a wise business decision to capitalize on that popularity approximately 20 years too late. They’ve assigned each metal sub-genre the Pokémon they think embodies the characteristics of said style the best…and probably had fun doing it. Go tell them how wrong they are in the comments section, then tell them the right combinations!

Doom Metal: Piloswine

What is doom known for? Slowness, a fuzzy feeling, grandiose heaviness and a monolithic atmosphere. Few Pokemon epitomize this better than the prehistoric porcine fellow Piloswine. Fully covered by long, thick hair, the Piloswine is powerful, fuzzy and definitely not known for its speed, making it the perfect representative for the doom and gloom.

 

Sludge Metal: Muk

Sludge is…well…sludgy. Slow, heavy, with this viscous quality that conjures up images of mud pits, dirt, grime and an all penetrating stench. In other words: Muk. There’s no escaping Muk’s toxic stickiness and malicious odor that permeates everything and makes sure you will be off to the store to buy a ton of sanitizers.

 

Progressive Metal: Alakazam

One look at Alakazam makes it clear that there cannot be any other representative for prog. Being the resident brainiac Pokemon, only its super heavy brain is able to compute all the timing and rhythm changes and make sense of it all. And its power to lower opponents’ accuracy with its bending spoons can make anybody else look like an amateur.

 

Death Metal: Kabutops

Nothing embodies the essence of death metal better than Kabutops. Edgy, vicious and overall resembling a skeleton, its hostile nature is the bloody icing on the putrid cake. Add to this that, instead of hands, it has scythe-like extensions and you have one tough cookie.

 

Drone: Hypno

Drone is slow. Drone is repetitive. Drone is hypnotizing. So Hypno is literally the only valid choice to represent drone. He feasts on the hypnotized’s dreams. That it also can put people to sleep, well, some people say the same about Sunn O)))…

 

Heavy Metal: Steelix

Heavy metal is…well…steel. And while there are several steel-type Pokemon, Steelix is the Iron Snake, the Iron Maiden of the Pokéverse. While it may look as if it is made of stone, nobody can deny that this is as true of a form of metal as can be! Manowar would be proud to call Steelix their ally!

 

Black Metal: Gengar

One brief glance is enough to confirm which metal Gengar represents. Dark, sinister, with a wicked grin perpetually plastered on to its face. He is the manifestation of Pokemon’s evil side, absorbing heat to cool off its surroundings, casting curses, having fun playing someone’s shadow and then taking delight in the others’ horror.

 

Speed Metal: Jolteon

Jolteon looks like it’s constantly under electricity, so speed metal is its natural musical habitat. As electric type it channels energy and sends out lightning, hitting the mark, leaving nothing but scorched earth.

 

Gothic metal: Jynx

It’s obvious that Jynx has a flair for the dramatic, an adjective often also used for gothic metal. Yeah, aside from the fact she kinda reminds us of Tarja on a good day…that’s all we got.

 

Folk Metal: Venusaur

Bands like Korpiklaani and Cruachan are known for their respect for the wilderness and connection to nature. What could be more entwined with Mother Gaia than a giant herbivorous stegosaur with a gargantuan plant thing sprouting from its back?

 

Grindcore: Primeape

Wild, chaotic, no sense of decorum, unnecessarily angry… Surely Primape is the animated equivalent of Barney Greenway stomping up and down the stage, waving his fists around and barking like a madman.

 

Hardcore: Hitmonlee

Have you ever seen the pit at a Hatebreed gig? All the kids swinging their legs around trying to boot each other in the face; feels more like a karate class than a concert. Now…have you ever seen Hitmonlee in action…?

 

Nu Metal: Pikachu

Just as the rap-infested sub-genre was a gateway style for many fervent metalheads of a certain generation, so Pikachu was a gateway Pokémon for most new fans. The Slipknot of the Pokéworld – Pikachu was popular and perhaps wannabe fans thought they should like it because of that.

 

Power Metal: Articuno

In a sub-genre laden with eagles soaring majestically over the clouds of fantasy worlds, what could be more befitting than a colossal ice eagle…soaring majestically over the clouds of a fantasy world?

 

Industrial Metal: Magnemite

Magnemite’s unwavering gaze, monotone electro-voice and cold steel shell easily bring to mind the soulless mechanics of Godflesh or early Pitchshifter. (Substitute Magneton for the weightier riffage of Fear Factory or Rammstein).

 

Thrash Metal: Gyarados

No, it’s not just because he learns ‘thrash’. Well, maybe a bit. Gyarados lashes around the ocean like an untempered feral serpent, permanently pissed off at his previous incarnation’s inability to do anything…at all. Also, his face looks like he’s constantly performing the opening roar to Anthrax’s “Refuse To Be Denied”.

 

Stoner Metal: Koffing

Look at that face. That grin. Those eyes. The unbreakable vague stare of happiness that could only belong to someone who jams out to The Sword 24/7. Koffing is constantly surrounded by fumes which undoubtedly make him high as fuck, and fuel the urge to stick on some Electric Wizard.

4 thoughts on “PokéMetal – Gotta bang ’em all!

  1. I would honestly reconsider Jolteon as the choice for Speed Metal. While it is one of the fastest Pokemon, I would have chosen Arcanine or perhaps Lucario as both can learn the move “Extreme Speed”. Lucario is a solid choice as it is a fighting/steel type. If nothing else, Speed Metal sounds combative.

  2. Thanks for the chuckle, and I love all your choices there. 🙂
    Personal pick for Black Metal would be Mega Glalie. A sentient, corpse-painty looking lump of ice with its mouth stuck open in a gesture that looks like a permanent scream from which catastrophic blizzards spew forth… I mean go figure. Keep it up!

  3. I know many don’t consider Kawaii metal as a genre but Vulpix would have been perfect since Babymetal kept worshipping the Fox God. In fact, there was a meme where a Vulpix ran away with a tomato and Yui shouts “No, my tomato!” and Moa has a Pokeball and says “I’m going to get you you little kitsune”.

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