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Church Ov Melkarth - Sermon Of Hate (0/10) - USA - 2005

Genre: Ambient / Noise
Label: Kill Zone Records
Playing time: 49:09
Band homepage: Church Ov Melkarth

Tracklist:

  1. Sermon Of Hate
Church Ov Melkarth - Sermon Of Hate

MY EARS!

MY GOD MY EARS!

DID MY COMPUTER JUST DIE?

IS THIS THE SOUND OF PURE UNADULTERATED SHIT?

WHY DOES CHURCH OF MELKARTH EXIST!!!

 

The only reasoning I could come up with was it was some sort of punishment against me. Some sort of karma coming back to bite me in the ass for doing something stupid way back when. Was it dumping Angela in the 7th grade? Maybe it was all those times I took for granted other people or was just an asshole to others?!? There must be some sort of logical or theological reasoning behind this aural punishment!

 

This is supposed to be "Ambient Black Metal" but I hear neither blackness nor Metal. This is utter shit....there's no way around it. It's as if someone got one of those dumbass sound effect CDs that come with children's Halloween books and mix it with some of the shittiest sounding droning guitars I've ever heard. The whole song is supposed to be some sort of statement of "pure, kvlt, grim, hatred". All I hear is some dumbass speaking through some sort synth over keyboards that sound like they're from an 80s pop band.

 

At least they get one thing right, atmosphere. It really does remind me of the Catholic mass I went to when I was a young lad: really....really...really...damn boring. They capture the essence and atmosphere of pure boringness and record it. There is one good part in the whole damn 50 minutes of this album and itís a minute bridge with some tolerable keyboards and chanting.

 

ONE MINUTE OUT OF FIFTY

1/50 = .02

.02 * 10 = .2

That's what this album should get. A damn .2 out of 10! BUT OUR RATING SYSTEM WON'T LET ME DO THAT!

 

You want to know what's more fun than this album? Here's a list:

1. Putting Pennies in a blender and turning it to "crush"

2. Stapling your testicles

3. Taking a drill and leaving it spinning for hours on end.

4. Listening to babies cry for 50 minutes

5. Listening to ARSENIC

 

That should clear everything up.

 

Don't get it. Seriously, there are more deserving bands worth your money and time. I can never get these 50 minutes back from my life....ever... Don't make the same mistake. If this makes me a poser, then fuck it, I'm a poser. If stuff like this is what the "underground" thinks is the bee's knees, I'll take my "poser" XASTHUR and "sell-out" DIMMU BORGIR any day of the week. This album was simply a complete waste ov time.

(Online December 9, 2006)

Sam Becherer



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