“What’s Wrong? Is This What You Expected?”
IAN screams in the first track “Melting Your Face”.
No, IAN, it’s not what I expected, because I expected music, not the sound of a guy with too much time on his hands and a lacking of all things involving music theory and songwriting. I mean look, there comes a time when an album comes along and sets the standard for all abominations to come, no this does not top “Sermon Of Hate” (and if anything does I’ll forever lose faith in all of mankind to complete anything constructive) but it comes damn close to being an affront to all music anywhere.
The songs themselves consist of one or two riffs, alternating between annoying and barely passable, while midi sounding drums thump away in the background. The toms on the drums sound like they were recorded underwater with a tape recorder that was broken twice and held together with duct-tape, but the snare and cymbals sound fine….WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I mean, if it’s an acoustic set, then TUNE IT, if it’s not, which I believe, then get a better drum machine, good God, I’ve heard free sound boards that have better toms.
Anyway, sorry about the drum rant, it just hits home when drums sound horrible.
So the songs are boring, like not extremely boring, just boring enough to the point where I can comment on it, mediocre boringness if you will, which is still pretty damn bad. The lyrics…well don’t get me started, they plain and simply suck. They are uninspired and dull but hey, I didn’t expect much. In the last song “Real”, the word is said about a thousand times, rhymed poorly and then used the same way again. The vocals are MERCYFUL FATE-esque screaming and shrieking but done as well, kind of annoying but if you can get used to it, whatever.
What’s odd though is that I had “Real” stuck in my head for awhile, repeating the boring chorus over and over, that sucked, but it gave me time to think. You see, IAN is a one man band, and after reading his info sheet, he doesn’t really care about anything but the fact that he’s making music, so this very review, criticizing everything on this album and explaining how bad it is, probably means nothing to him, he could probably care less, which is actually pretty cool. He takes a different route with the one man deal by using MERCYFUL FATE as inspiration, I don’t like MERCYFUL FATE one bit, but it is different.
So that’s the only positive part of this whole album, the apathy, which should say something about the music. This is merely a sampler, an 8 minute sampler that is painful, yet tolerable. Could I sit through a whole album? Hell no. Unless this is some joke and the actually music sounds nothing like this. But I would rather listen to this than “Curse Of The Ghoul” or “Sermon Of Hate” any day of the week.
(Online February 5, 2007)