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Broken Bones And Shit - Horse Grind (1/10) - Great Britain - 2007

Genre: Grindcore
Label: Self-production
Playing time: 17:00
Band homepage: Broken Bones And Shit

Tracklist:

  1. Intro
  2. Trot… Gallop… Grind!
  3. Horse And Cartilage
  4. Cattle Into Battle!! (Part I Of The Lol Bovine Defeat Saga)
  5. Five Billion Horsepower
  6. Artificially Inseminated By A Horse
  7. Nice And Stable
  8. The Stallion Battalion (Part II Of The Lol Bovine Defeat Saga)
  9. Sugar Cube, The Odd-Toed Ungulate
  10. Hoofed Through The Head
  11. Opiate Of Them Asses
  12. Hold Your Horses
  13. Cattle Grid - Equus Victoruus (Part III Of The Lol Bovine Defeat Saga)
  14. Outro
  15. Equestrian Avalanche
Broken Bones And Shit - Horse Grind

“Horse Grind” is the debut album from Croydon based two-piece, BROKEN BONES AND SHIT. As if the band’s (cringe worthy) moniker and album title wasn’t enough of a giveaway these guys play lo-fi, drum-machine Grindcore. Of course, when I say Grindcore I mean it in the loosest possible sense. This is the kind of third-rate, Nu-Grind that would cause any self-respecting fan of the genre to take a knife to their eardrums as part of a desperate bid to silence the unholy drivel that emanates from the speakers every time “Horse Grind” is played. Of course, you could always just hit the “stop” button. Depending on your predilection for masochism it’s your call.

 

In an ill-conceived attempt at humour each of the 15 tracks has an equestrian theme and features such uproarious song titles as “Artificially Inseminated By A Horse” and “Hoofed Through The Head”. If that wasn’t bad enough the music is laced with various samples of actual horses neighing and braying. Perhaps, if I was 10 years old I would have found this funny, unfortunately I’m not and I don’t. As bad the samples may be, though, they are still easily the most entertaining thing this record has to offer, as the music (and I use that word sparingly) is glaringly simplistic, and played with about as much skill as a fingerless chimpanzee.  Far and away, the worst thing about this release, however, is the vocals. Seriously, this dude sounds like he’s trying to force his trachea out through his nose, it’s not brutal it’s just embarrassing.

 

I simply can’t think of anything good to say about this release. Honestly, it’s one of the poorest examples of so-called Grindcore I’ve ever has the displeasure of listening to, and I listen to a lot of Grind. In a bid to end this review on a positive note, I will congratulate the lead singer on his perfectly styled hair. It’s evident from the picture on the band’s Myspace page that he spends much more time styling his bonnet than he does trying to create half-decent music.

(Online September 9, 2007)

Stuart Bullen



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