Wow...

Ok...

Uhm...

I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say. I’ve encountered a strikingly high number of positive reviews for BIOMECHANICAL’s "Cannibalized", but I can’t for the life of me imagine why anyone would enjoy this album. According to different sources, BIOMECHANICAL are "the future of Metal", and "they represent everything that is right with Heavy Metal". As closed-minded as it may make me sound, if this is what Metal’s future is going to be like, I think I’d rather be stuck in the past.

So where do I begin? I guess I should start this thing off by saying that BIOMECHANICAL’s music is chaotic and unnerving, and it made me what to repeatedly jab pencils into my ears. They are successful is creating a veritable earthquake of sounds, and there is so much going on throughout the album that it is hard to concentrate. "Cannibalized" is a difficult pill to swallow, and I couldn’t seem to grasp any portion of the music for more than a few seconds.

While their brand of "Epic Progressive Cinematic Heavy Metal" (as their Myspace page calls it) is strange, it isn’t as unique as they would have you believe. If IRON MAIDEN had a baby with PANTERA and that baby started heavily using speed and steroids, you would have BIOMECHANICAL. That may sound intriguing, but BIOMECHANICAL somehow manage to create some sort of uninspiring platter of mind-numbing, headache inducing garbage out of it. Essentially, what they’ve done is taken the worst elements from both of the aforementioned bands and laced them with a whole lot of unnecessary technical wankery.

My biggest gripe however, happens to be with the vocalist John K. I’m not referring to his recent decision to depart from his original bandmates and take the BIOMECHANICAL name with him; although, that is quite the asshole move. Mr. K’s vocals are some of the most irritating sounds ever recorded. Take "Fallen In Fear" for example; his high-pitched Rob Halfordesque vocals do not fit the music the slightest bit, and his incessant shrieks make me nauseous.

The entire album is just one colossal, cacophonous disaster. If you want chaotic, mind-raping music, you should listen to UNEXPECT. At least their music is genuinely unique and innovative as well as fun and actually musical.

While I hate to sound like that "Rolling Stone Magazine" writer who wrote off IRON MAIDEN’s classic "Number Of The Beast" album back before it was wildly regarded as a classic, I seem to be in the minority with my opinion here. Maybe I’m insane; maybe I’m the only level-headed one out there. The only thing I’m certain of is that I would rather listen to my uncle "greasy Earl" singing SPICE GIRLS karioke while hammered out of his mind, and greasy Earl doesn’t even sound good sober.

(Online March 27, 2008)