As of right now it’s 3:30 AM.
I’m sitting here because I cannot sleep. I don’t know what it is, or what feeling has overtaken me, but for some reason I cannot sleep. I decided to listen to some music, relaxing music, happy things like STARSAILOR, COLTRANE, BEETHOVEN, and a few Hip-Hop artists. Something compelled me though; something took hold of my weary soul and whispered venomous tongues into my ear, deafening the music. These sinister sounds were the reverberations of the darker side of man, all his faults, all his sins, the evil side of dualistic nature was being put forth in front of my eyes.
It was overwhelming.
It’s 3:58 AM.
I stepped outside for a cigarette, I quit awhile back but I just needed one right now. Something wasn’t right but the cool menthol of the Dunhill relaxed my brain and neck muscles. The tingling of the previous voice was gone. I decided to pace around for a bit and light another, it couldn’t hurt, I thought. I gazed upon the clouded moon. There were too many thick nebulous strings being waved in the sky to tell if it was full or not, but it was bright. It made me nervous. I took the last drag of the Dunhill and the dull sizzle of the burning tobacco calmed my senses. Time to go back in I suppose.
It’s 4:23 AM
The hallways seemed longer, the lights brighter, something was still not right. Fuzzy. Disorientating. Lights around me. I needed to lie down. So I walked back into my room. Then I felt it. The grip of madness. The whispers now grew into shrieks. The tongues into lashes upon my neck. The slow burning of the words became an incinerating force of lunacy. Yet amongst the chaos, the exasperating conglomeration of man’s sins, the hot irons of his evil, was order. It was structure. In the noise. It was structure.
It is “Fas - Ite, Maledicti, In Ignem Aeternum”.
It’s 5:15 A.M
I knew the pandemonium was familiar. It was as if everything was going on at once, yet it all ultimately compiled to nothing, and nothingness. The unsettling commencement of “Fas…” was something to truly be experienced. It was and the poison lurked underneath. The waves of peaceful tranquility of “Obombration” are underlined ever so subtly by a sinister force lurking beneath. A leviathan beneath the calm tranquil seas, ready to devour at any moment. And then, it appeared. It’s head massive, it jowls were gargantuan. They circled around me and I gazed into the beasts giant red eyes and felt what true horror was as the maw began to close around me. Inside. Chaotic. Painful. Sublime. I heard the Mad Laughter and I knew what the laughter was about. I began to smile. A lunatic’s smile. The chaos died and I was left with silence. Then it began again. The noise. Oh God the horrible noise! But in its unspeakable nature there dwelled a certain pang of beauty. Of order and structure and of art.
Then all fell silent once more.
I was adrift in some sort of ocean inside the beast. The rumbling had stopped and the darkness was unfathomable. The elegant yet barbaric sounds of before were gone, replaced now by the slow rhythms of Bitterness. I felt so alone in my drifting, my wading, for there really was nothing around, I could hear the beast roar and billow from time to time, but it did not overpower the sense of displacement. The peaceful sense could not be shaken off, yet the foreboding sense of dread came back swiftly and the formlessness returned. It was terrifying. I felt the gushing of waters and the unpredictable tempos of the waves crash upon me and force me further into the beast’s breast. I could no longer feel anything, my body bruised and battered and I lost consciousness somewhere along the way.
I awoke the distant howls and sharp notes. I looked around me, it was almost dry here. The moist land I laid upon moved slowly. I must’ve been dreaming….but if I was then where am I now? I looked around. The dark waters gave little light, but the moon came out and offered me some tranquility. I looked upon my Repellent Scars I received from the beast. His incomprehensible size had destroyed my flesh and wrecked havoc on my spirit. Now though, the sense of loneliness was pleasant. I knew the beast would not return. He was finished with me. I glanced into the small woods on this rock onto which I was beached. The noise I heard inside the beast seemed to come from these woods. I walked forward. Slowly. Surely. I was Abandoned. I came across a monolithic temple. Whose geometry was too confusing to make any sense to any human mind. The noises from before were here, they were powerful, painful and filled with torture. Yet ringing of intellect. I entered the temple and the noise was greeted with choirs, who greeted me with such disgust that the naked embarrassment of my soul was put forth. My scars were evident and they knew the turmoil I had been through. “Am I resurging, intact, out of infamy?”
As I approached the altars the praises grew quiet. A piano? It rang distant. Out of tune. Frightening.
Then the ceremony began. It was slow, monotonous and beautiful. The percussion slow and precise, the music itself was melodic and unsettling. I felt myself Lost. I wanted no more of this, this absolute freedom. I refused to be a the Chore For The Lost. The music began to grow loud, to grow magnificent. The melodies wrapped me in their power, the sense of dread was now replaced by a sense of wonder, bewilderment. Who was this god they praised?
The statues became life. The granite became flesh. The choir now singing praises, now singing hymns. The temple began living. Its heart beat slow and steady, its breath bearing a weight of guilt. It was sublime. I became one with my surroundings. The slow awkward assumption became a transcendental force of re-creation. It was a re-birth of tremendous proportions. The melodies wrapped me in their sublime compositions. The choirs rang clear, the piano in the distant became one in its disharmony. I was now in complete peace with everything around me. All sense of any fear replaced by the feeling of completeness, the Logos was now in me.
Just when the feeling became overwhelming……just when I thought my body could handle no more of the ecstasy I was thrust into a hole of nothingness. The final notes of the ceremony rang in my head. I was devoured, only to be spit back in a realm of fear, only to be reborn. The ceremony died and a small dull noise crept into my head. It was black again.
I heard the piano as I woke. Obombration I say aloud….not knowing why. I walked to my window. Was this a dream? If so then why was this fear still with me…..why was such a beautiful thing turned back into this crippling sense. I stared into the darkness. Sirens. Trumpets. Cymbals. Warfare. It was too much….”PERINDE AC CADAVER!” I shouted…..
It's 5:25 AM
I awoke once more. To find myself slumped over my desk. I stared back into the night; the only thing could remember was the phrase carved onto the temple entrance:
“God Of Terror, Very Low Dost Thou Bring Us, Very Low Hast Thou Brought Us...”
(Online April 17, 2008)