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I Wrestled A Bear Once - It's All Happening (0/10) - USA - 2009

Genre: Screamo / Chaoscore / Various
Label: Century Media
Playing time: 33:20
Band homepage: I Wrestled A Bear Once

Tracklist:

  1. You Aint No Family
  2. White Water In The Morning
  3. Danger In The Manger
  4. I'm Cold And There Are Wolves After Me
  5. Tastes Like Kevin Bacon
  6. The Cat's Pajamas
  7. Pazuzu For The Win
  8. Black-Eyed Bush
  9. Eli Cash vs The Godless Savages
  10. See You In Shell
I Wrestled A Bear Once  - It's All Happening

I should write a book, or a journal of some kind, where I'd write down all the stupidest, nonsense, most worthless and anti-intellectual "art" or "music" I've encountered in my entire life. Seriously, could people get any more cartoonish (in a bad way) or ridiculous in self-expression through musical cacophony. If you thought that the emo or core scene was bad enough, wait until you hear "the new shit" coming like an avalanche towards you, in the form of "IWRESTLEDABEARONCE".

Now when you analyse the structure or theme of the whole nomenclature and genealogy behind all the band names, you notice a certain pattern. GIDDY UP GANGSTA, EAT A HELICOPTER, CLINGING TO THE TREES OF A FOREST FIRE, AS I LAY DYING,  AVAIL THE REDEEMER, I WRESTLED A BEAR ONCE, etc. You will notice the incredible nothingness these band names express. Nothing. Is this supposed to be intimidating or creative? No. it's just plain idiotic and moronic.

There is a limit to my intolerance. The reason I despise the whole gimmick, is not because they exist. Human behaviour has always been very exotic when it comes to idiocy, so that's not the point. The thing that gets most on my nerves is the fact that these bands call themselves "metal" or use that term to describe themselves and their incredibly shitlaced music and scene. Call it what you want. Call it "superfusion external interspacegalatic hybridcore", but please stay away from Metal, as it has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with the diarrhea they have to offer. It's so damn far from everything Metal (or any other musical genre they mimic for that matter) stands for, that you'd actually be better off calling Michael Jackson "Thrash Metal", than IWRESTLEDABEARONCE.

IWRESTLEDABEARONCE have some sort of pop-art mixed with uninspired dadaism theme, and they let it bitch wherever possible. After only a few years of existence they have crowned themselves to the revolutionary youth scene, thinking they actually have some sort of substance. If you look at their bandphotos or t-shirts, you will understand why. There are almost no words to describe the regressive manner in which they waste their (and others' for that matter) time. They seemingly popped out of nowhere with their glamorous gimmicks and bland "brutality".

The music can be described as a cacophonic, incoherent, laughable parodical mix of almost everything musical genres had to offer, merging into some sort of spastic "jack of all trades, master of none" little tenedency to any actual genre, be it Rock, Pop, Jazz, Techno, whatever. It's basically an annoying jumble of distorted or high pitched guitar riffs with some "technical" drumming, including "hyper"breakdowns and Techno parts, interrupted only by some female wailing. The band's male vocalist (or at least I think he's male) sounds like a tortured weasel, squieking himself through the mumble, forgetable, if not, then annoying as hell. I would rather listen to people taking a dump than to this. On the other hand, the female vocalist actually has a voice, but the darling would have been far better off singing in a pop or alternative band, since that would be more coherent and inspired than the pig squealing diarrhea this band has to offer. If she would take all her "ambient" singing parts, take out the distorted guitars and glue them together, she would have a quite relaxing solo effort. Honey, leave this band. Right after she gets something going with her voice: shitstorm. The disjointed crap from before comes again, delivering even another crap assault.

I'm not even going to talk about the commerce involved. Do me and yourself a favor and avoid this crap. Listen to it on myspace if you're curious, but you have been warned.

(Online August 4, 2009)

Aris Stefanov



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