My Dear! Keep off Kalessin!!
You have to ask yourself one central question when a band starts to release singles: "What the fuck?". Evidently, artists release singles out of two reasons. The first one being the increase in their (and their label's for that matter) financial gain and second to put their band logo on yet another piece of plastic, to appeal to more people and thus increase their mainstream popularity. As I will neither address the mass stupidity factor in mainstream music nor push the matter of "popular" music for "average" people any further, let me present the newest , socially refined, opium-for-the-masses, mainstream candypop-encrusted single of a Norwegian (!) band which asserts itself to the Metal scene and what's actually outrageous, to the Black Metal scene.
Now we all know that the home and even birthplace of Black Metal (as we understand it today) is Norway with some great bands such as DARKTHRONE, GORGOROTH, etc. we also realize that Norway is, like any other country, full of the modern Western crap that everybody in our society feeds on. So naturally we have different scenes, with different musical tastes and so on. For somebody who considers himself a fan of this great and epic genre of music that represents alienation and is pretty much combined with the aesthetics and ideology/philosophy of people who are fed up with all that is false and volatile and try to capture the present in the most intense way possible, seeing a band degenerate to a popular vessel of crap is like seeing your ex-girlfriend become a prostitute. Now that everybody can fuck her, you lose your interest completely. This analogy of listening to a band that was quite enjoyable for some time, only to suck (pun intended) pretty much in the end of the enjoyment period and get really bland and uninteresting, directing your focus to other artists drastically, gets you in a mood where you really couldn't care less, but let's get to a description of what this is supposed to be.
KEEP OF KELESSIN, epic name, epic music, whatever, for those who like this sort of stuff they should be relatively well known. I tend to be other opinion when bands present themselves like some retarted pop star shit with eye-liners and makeup and all that crap (excluding corpsepaint which is a slightly other issue and can actually extend the music) and will always incorporate the way a band presents themselves into the overall score of the band and albums at that time. The music is created through everything that is happening around it and not just the sound waves reaching your ears, just open your eyes to the bigger picture. While this band has released some rather average listenable material in the past, their newest song (which is up for Eurovision by the way) is exactly equivalent to the intellectual content the popular show represents, namely nothing with no entertaining value. While LORDI were like a retarded wax-museum come to life and DETHKLOK! a horrendous cartoon for people with down-syndrome, "The Dragontower" is a complete joke. Imagine taking the most horrid pop bands out there, such as TOKIO HOTEL or whatever crap you can spontaneously think of, putting them in a mixer and making whatever came out user-friendly, by selling it as progressive, innovative, groovy, or whatever you want people to think is good. There is absolutely nothing here that is worth anybody's while. There is nothing extreme or interesting, everything is watered down to a generic form of pop-shit that is supposed to be catchy to the average person who works all week and parties at the weekend. Such music merely exists so that young teensters can take this crap to their intolerant parents and try to demonstrate that the music "isn't that bad mommy can you please buy me the Altars of Madness now?". So fuck this.
So why waste time in writing a review for this single, even if it apparently has to be so incredibly pointless and embarrassing, so utterly disgraceful to anything Metal stands for, so unbearably cacophonic that you couldn't even take it after 5+ beers you say? Exactly for that reason. Writing is an outlet to the negative emotion this song has caused me. Now this is not just my choleric profile speaking, no, it's such a waste of some damn good three minutes which you would be better off whacking the weasel or taking a shit. Now I mean even if you would consider making something intentionally bad and generic to begin with, you'd end up with at least DETHKLOK! or some other stupid tragic parody that simply nobody NEEDS to hear. This is a complete and utter waste of time and nerves, simply because it destroys everything I see in Metal. It destroys everything metal represents and more even Black Metal. This single will make homosexuality seem funny and gas chambers like recreation. Yes, it's that bad.
(Online May 11, 2010)